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by Lard_Suddenly on March 13, 2008, 03:46:00
Once upon a time there lived a scientist. He was no ordinary scientist though - he was the greatest scientist in the whole of the United Kingdom. The scientist decided he would make the world a better place for the inferior morons around him, and set about ending world hunger. After thinking about the problem for twenty minutes the scientist had a brainwave - 100 foot long cows. The beef from a 100 foot long cow would feed an average family for a month, or an average American for a weekend. Excited, the scientist put his plan into operation. Soon there were herds of 100 foot long cows all over the Midlands.

Unfortunately there were 3 setbacks to this brilliant plan.

1. The 100 foot long cows had a massive turning circle, and were quite difficult to transport around the country.

2. They looked a bit funny.

3. The labyrinthian system of intestines and stomachs which ran the length of the 100 foot long cows turned an ordinary methane cow fart into a deadly stream of burning plasma which would vapourise anything in it's path.

Inevitably the 100 foot long cows escaped from their farms, formed a mega herd and, as cows are wont to do, immediately began marching on London. The scientist, his reputation now in the shit, tried to take his own life, though true to form he fucked this up as well and ended up in a persistant vegetative state.

As the cows continued their remorseless rampage towards cockney land, the UK government turned to the second greatest scientist in the land and asked him to stop the cows. The second greatest scientist gave the matter some thought, and created a new breed of pig - exactly the same size as a normal pig but with highly developed mental powers. These pigs could levitate, read thoughts and do telekinesis. They also had machine guns as well, just in case. The scientist named this new breed MIND PIGS. The stage was set for a battle for supremacy between these two proud farmyard species.

The Mind Pig Squadron encountered the 100 foot long cow herd outside of an unspecified city which was north of London, and flew in on an attack run. It was a bit like the Dam Busters, except the dams were 100 foot long cows and the Lancaster bombers were flying mind pigs. The cows blasted pigs out of the air with their plasma farts, and the pigs used their mind powers to pull the cow's legs off. Then the cows and pigs decided to work together to defeat the human oppressors, and the march on London resumed.

The government were shitting themselves at this point, and turned to the third greatest scientist in the land, and tasked him with the task of saving London. The third greatest scientist decided to engineer a sheep which was superior to mind pigs and 100 foot long cows in every way, an ultimate sheep lifeform - the Giga Sheep. Unfortunately he couldn't really manage it and London got totally wiped out, the inhabitants slaughtered. Among the buildings destroyed was the Institute for Making Things Elementary to Thick Scum, although luckily it's sister institute, the Insitute for Making Things Elementary to Intelligent Intellectuals, was based in Newcastle and so survived the disaster.
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