Gary: Look sharp, Hansen. We're on air in a minute.
Alan: Don't tell me to look sharp. I'm more sharp than Lee Sharpe. Infact, I'm so sharp, my stare alone can split a man in two. And not just any man. But John Barnes.
Gary: Alright alright calm down keep your hair on. I was just saying is all.
Alan: Which games are we looking at today anyway?
Gary: Erm Liverpool vs Newcastle, Arsenal vs Chelsea and Man Utd vs ...... I don't wanna say.
Alan: Why not?
Gary: Well a new BBC directive is that we have to have a representative for each club playing in the top 4.
Alan: So? Thats obviously me for Liverpool, Shearer for Newcastle, Dixon for Arsenal, Ian Wright for Chelsea and .. who for the other two?
Gary: ...Lee Sharpe has turned up to represent Man Utd! And.... sorry to say but....
Alan: Go on.. spit it out son.
Gary: Well.. Man U played Boro..
Alan: So do we have Robson on the show?
Gary: Nope..... McClaren came barging in.
McClaren: HELLO I'M ENGLANDS MANAGER LET ME IN I'M ENGLANDS MANAGER YOU KNOW I AM IN CHARGE OF ENGLAND AND I'M THEIR MANAGER
Gary: Shut up. Dick face.
McClaren: I'M ENGLANDS MANAGER. THE ENGLAND MANAGER. OF ENGLAND.
Alan: It's gonna be a long night.
McClaren: CAMPBELL TO RIO, RIO TO SCHOLSEY, SCHOLSEY GERRARD! GERRARD TO BECKHAM, BECKHAM TO HESKEY, HESKEY TO OWEN TO SCORE ONE MORE!
Gary: Right, lads. Gather round. I've heard a rumour that BBC are trying to make MoTD an interactive program only so that theres more room for dancing on celebrities or strickerry come ice skating or some shit like that.
Alan: Thats not all. I heard that they're going to revamp the whole show. New set, new theme music, new presenters!
Shearer: Why aye man thats awful! Just as my career in football was really kicking off as a pundit as well!
Dixon: Err.. yeah. Sure, Alan.
Shearer: You want to shut your pie hole, Lee, or you'll get an elbow in your face quicker than you can say ... *whack*
Dixon: ouch!! I didn't even say anything!
Dixon: Thats the quickest you've ever moved in your life.
Lawro: Stealing my jokes now, eh?
Gary: Bugger off Lawro. You know your job is to sit with Motson and make sure he doesn't start streaking in the middle of the pitch.
Lawro: But he keeps showing me his willy, Gary. He calls it Little John. And when he tucks it between his legs he calls it Friar Tuck!
Gary: Thats not my problem.
Lawro: No its my problem! Especially when he steals my mint imperials and shoves them under his foreskin and calls it his Robin Hood!
Alan: Ok so anyway what are we going to do about MoTD?
Gary: What about it?
Dixon: About it moving to interactive!!
Gary: Oh.. its probably not true anyway.
Shearer: What makes you say that?
Gary: Well Chris Kamara told me..
Alan: And you fell for it?
Shearer: You really had me going for a minute there..
Dixon: And me
Dixon: Dammit Shearer!
Gary: So what do reckon about the sending off then? Alan, what's wrong?
Alan: Sorry Garry, I was distracted. There's something on the studio floor.
Shearer: It looks like crumbs to me...
Gary: I'll have Garth Crooks hoover it up.
Shearer: looks like pie crumbs.
Alan: Pie crumbs?
Gary: You don't think...?
Alan: Holy shit, there's Barnsey in the corner!
Barnsey: Muuuuurghhhhhhhhh! *sprays pie crumbs from gob*
Gary: Christ! Let's get out of here!
Gary: What about the England friendly then Alan?
Alan: England were terrible Gary, it was a diabolical match.
Gary: But it hasn't been on yet.
Alan: I thought we were pre-recording our comments?
Gary: How can we do that without knowing how the match turns out?
Alan: It's an England friendly, Gary, and that gimp McLaren is managing the team. We KNOW it's going to be shit.
Gary: Good point.
Gary: Welcome to Match of the Day. Before we kick off, we've been speaking to Aragones. Heres the interview.
"Gary: Luis, how does it feel to finally be cleared of racism?
Aragonas: I feel like I can say what I want about who I want and when I want.
Gary: Within reason though, surely?
Aragones: Nope. I don't mind telling you, or Hansen, or Dixon this, but just keep it from Wrighty will ya. I'm not sure he'd understand quite as well as you guys do.
Gary: I'm no racist you spanish garlic chomping, stupid hat wearing, stinky, striped shirted frog.
Aragones: Thats the french not the Spanish.
Gary: Whatever you're all the same, you continental poo poo heads.
Aragones: I can't believe you're saying that. Thats so offensive. I feel hurt. No really, emotionally hurt. Is that what it feels like when you're racist to someone? I had no idea.
Gary: Eff off you bull fighting twat. Pfft. Calling me a racist. Honestly."
Gary: So as you can see Alan. Aragones is a right racist.
Alan: Shut up vanilla face.
Gary: I'm pleased to welcome England manager Steve McLaren into the MOTD studio.
Gary: Hello, Steve, are England still on course to qualify?
Alan Hansen: He's just sitting there, grinning at us!
Shearer: I don't like him, make him go away Gary
Gary: Steve...you have to say something, you're on live TV
Gary: I'm scared
Alan Hansed: Don't look at his teeth!
Gary: Hello and welcome to a special needs edition of MOTD. Please welcome our 'special' panel,
Crooks: Uh huh
Gary: welcome special need pundits, oh and one more special guest, Aidy Bothroyd
Aidy: Yeah well the lads played well, we are a tight unit and expect to stay up this season. I'm particulary proud of the fact that fans think i know what i'm talking about, when in fact i'm fucking usless and should be in league one.
Gary: Good point aidy, you are shit but you talk a good game.
Lehmann: ya, i am a nob
Gary: Good night children
Gary: well there you have it, 2 extra time goals helps see Arsenal through to the next round on Saturday, so Alan, what did you make of the defending
Alan: I'm off the clock Gary
Gary: What are you talking about Alan?
Alan: Lawro said I'll be done by 10 o'clock, I have dinner reservations in The Taj Mahal for eleven.
Gary: can't you ring up and move the reservation back a bit?
Alan: No chance Gary, you only get one shot with Mrs Linekar
Gary: So lads, what did you make of the game?
Alan: First things first, Gary, why is Barnsey here?
Gary: He's on work experience. Channel 5 sent him here to learn how to commentate.
Alan: Learn from the best, eh?
Gary: Yepp. Are you enjoying yourself, Barnsey?
Barnsey: Yes, Mr Lineker.
Gary: What did you think of the match, Barnsey?
Barnsey: dunno, Mr Lineker.
Gary: But you made loads of notes during the match.
Alan: Let's have a look.
Gary: These aren't notes! You've just drawn loads of pictures of pies!
Barnsey: Can I have a pie, Mr Lineker?
Gary: Right lads, is everybody here?
Hansen, Shearer, Wrighty, Crooks, Lawro, Motson, O'Neill etc: Yes Gary.
Gary: I assume you're all familiar with Adrian Chiles?
Alan: Wrighty is VERY familiar with him
Wrighty: Shut up Alan you bastard.
Gary: Somebody has been sending him used bog roll in the post
Hansen, Shearer, Wrighty, Crooks, Lawro, Motson, O'Neill etc: Hahahahahahahhahahahaha!
Gary: Shut it! The police think it might be an inside job. They think it might be somebody on the MOTD team...
Motson: Well, it's not me, I don't go to the toilet
Lawro: No, you dirty bastard, you just shit all over the place
That posh bird: Ra ra ra, we're going to beat the oiks.
Gavin Peacock: [Crying into his beer] Why can't I do the proper matches? I was Chelsea's player of the year '97.
That posh bird: Quiet you, or I'll get my butler to poke you with a stick.
David Attenborough: Hello. Welcome to "The Lives of the Wild MoTD Presenters" on BBC4. The University of London has been observing these strange creatures for some time. At the moment, they think they are presenting a football program but little do they know that it is all staged and they are merely just part of an experiment to see how old retired footballers actually cope once their careers end at about 40 and with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank. Here we can see one of the presenters that the University team have nicknamed "Gary" rifling through the bins desperately trying to find something to eat. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear the other presenters mocking him.......
Gary: Shit where did I put my-
Gary: No, I know where that went. Garth Crooks took it when he de-bagged me infront of Gabby Logan... I was looking for my sandwiches.. I can't remember where I put them.. I thought I just left them on the desk but they're not there anymore...
Alan: You have should've been more careful. Haven't you heard the legend of "John Barnes"?
David Attenborough: Here, we observe the "leader" of the pack, Alan, about to tell a myth about a presenter from another channel in an attempt to scare and intimidate Gary.
Alan: Apparantly, while you're asleep or at work, John Barnes will sneak around your house or office and eat anything in sight. Sandwiches, cupasoup, baked beans, snickers bars, but most of all, pies.
Gary: Don't be stupid, theres no such thing as John Barnes.
Alan: Oh but there is. If you say his name 3 times infront of a mirror he'll appear and cover you in puff pastry and eat your soul.
Gary: Shut up Alan you're scaring me now
David Attenborough: His plan has succeeded and Gary is now running away from the desk. This was a cunning plan by Alan, as he knows exactly where the missing sandwiches are. He had them in his pocket all the time and he is now eating the sandwiches as a form of dominence amoungst the pack. We turn our attentions now to the other pack, or the "lesser" pack known as the MoTD2 Team. Their leader is Adrian who has recently become rather upset due to the amount of shit he has received through the post..
Adrian: I corrr belieeeve it. I just got more shite through the post!
Gavin Peacock: More? That must be 9 pieces of used toilet paper now..
Adrian: No, actually. Its more like 20.
Gavin: But the BBC said you only had 8 last time?
Adrian: They were the only ones they could find. I lost the rest... I put them down next to my mirror and next thing I know, they're gone..
Gavin: Its John Barnes! It has to be!
Adrian: Don't be stupid...............................
David Attenborough: This group are actually starting to believe in the myth of John Barnes. Its frightening them so much that they're beginning to believe that John Barnes will eat anything. Including used toilet paper. The myth of John Barnes-
John Barnes: I've come for your soul Sir Attenborough!
David Attenborough: What?! You're not real! You're made up! You can't be real!! You can't be!!!!
John Barnes: You just said my name 3 times whilst next to that mirror. Now lie down while I roll you up in this puff pastry.
David Attenborough: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Motson: And Bellamy scores!
Lawro: Yeah, great goal.
Motson: But what's he up to now, Mark? He's gone over to the corner flag. He's picked it up.
Lawro: The referee won't like that
Motson: Oh my word!
Lawro: He's thrown the flagpole at John Arne Riise like a javelin
Motson: Riise is down. Looks like a nasty stomach wound, you can see the flag sticking out of it. The referee's going to have a word with Bellamy...and he's off!
Lawro: He deserved the red card
Motson : there's a commotion on the pitch now. Bellamy is struggling with the police, he's got something
Lawro: Looks like he's nicked the tear gas grenade launcher from the riot police
Motson: And Bellamy has started firing tear gas grenades at Riise! This could well get out of hand!
Lawro: Riise's in a bad way at the minute. Benitez might want to think about subbing him
Motson: Bellamy has finally been ejected from the field. I've never seen anything like this before
Lawro: there's a commotion in the tunnel John
Motson: My word! Bellamy has come back onto the pitch riding a horse! He's waving a golf club over his head! You can see Riise sobbing in terror.
Lawro: That might just be the tear gas, John.
Motson: Bellamy's bearing down on Riise. Riise's back on his feet, he's running, and Bellamy twats him over the head with the golf club!
Gary: so there we have it a great win by liverpool against the champions Bathalona.
Alan: You what?? stop pretending to know how to speak spanish
Gary: Hey i used to play for them so i know how to speak the lingo
Alan: no you dont, you'll be saying you can speak Japanese as well.
Gary: of course i can! karaokesushiillegalwhalingfatpeopleinnappies Hansensan
Alan: you never played in japan, that was just an excuse cause no-one watches the football over there. you spent all your time lying under a sunbed topping up your ridiculous tan.
Wrighty: Hey Gary did you get any of that filthy japanese cartoon porn while you were out there?
Gary: shuttup the both of you
Alan: Thats an air raid siren. i knew you english bastards were out to get me.
Gary: Shit thats the fire alarm. the studios on fire and we're still on air.
Alan: oh so youre going to firebomb me are you??
Pub Landlord: LAST ORDERS EVERYONE
Alan: did you hear that? its your final orders to take me out. well you can take my life but you'll never take my FREEEEEDOOOOOOOOM. actually you wont even take my life *jumps out of window*
Pub Landlord: Come on you guys the game finished ages ago. i told you before youre only on saturdays. stop pretending youre in the studio.
Gary: oh right can i have a packet of crisps then
Pub Landlord: No you cant, cause i still havent restocked from last month when you brought your friend that fat git in the pink and blue shirt. made a lot of money though.
Wrighty: i wanna kebab!
Gary: come on wrighty, lets go home. (meet me in the car park in 5 mins if you want those DVDs)
Wrighty: hic I Love yoush gary Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The Diary of Adrian Chiles, aged 30 something.
I decided to pop into the MOTD studio today to see the lads. They all love me, I reckon that soon I'll be asked to be the host of Match of the Day 1.
Adrian: Hello lads.
Alan Hanson: Who the hell are you?
Gary: It's just one of my fans. I expect he's here to give me money.
Adrian Chiles: You lads kill me, pretending to not know who I am. It's just the sort of light hearted banter us MOTD chaps get up to.
Wrighty: Who's the ugly bloke?
Adrian: I host Match of the Day 2, as if you didn't know.
Gary: Is that the programme where a bunch of knobs sit round talking about the latest films, albums and plays?
Adrian: No, that's Newsnight Review.
Alan: I should be on that. I'm too intelligent to talk to you tossers.
Adrian: Well, good luck guys.
Gary: Piss off.
I wandered back to my dressing room where my good friend Gavin Peacock was waiting.
Gavin: Bad news, Adrian. The Shitintheposter has struck again.
Adrian: Oh no, not more used toilet paper in the post?
Gavin: It's worse than that Adrian, they've shat all over your dressing room this time. They've even done a shit smiley face on the wall.
Gavin was right, my dressing room has been targeted by the mysterious Shitintheposter. But who could it be?
Lawro: Gary? Gary are you in there? *enters Gary's dressing room*
Gary: No, get away!
Lawro: What are you doing with that noose?
Gary: I'm going to kill myself. I have nothing to live for any more, now that that blond woman has turned up on MOTD and taken my place!
Lawro: You don't mean that Gary
Gary: She's taken Alan away from me!
Lawro: Which one, Shearer?
Gary: Don't be bloody stupid.
Lawro: Well, I felt the same way Gary, when I got replaced and ended up with Motty in the commentary box. But in time, you'll feel better. At least you still have the Walkers adverts.
Gary: Yes, I still have the Walkers adverts
Gabby: Good news fellas, I've been hired to be the new face of Walkers crisps!
Gary: So Lee, turns out Arsenal are shit after all.
Lee: How very dare you, we are not shit.
Gary: Yes you are.
Lee: No we're not.
Gary: You don't even play for them. Perhaps if they had some decent english players they may do better.
Lee: Perhaps, but Wengers likes a young foreign boy.
Gary: Indeed he does, bloody french gayer
Garth: I'm in the tunnel now with Arsene wenger, so arsene good result today
Arse: Well some say that and some don't. All i know is that i didnt see it
Garth: but you were sitting in the dugout
Arse: Yes well some people will think that and some won't
Garth: ok, so first win in four matches, is this a turning point
Arse: some would say that
Garth: I would
Arse: you're a liar
Adrian: you have to feel for west ham don't you Lee
Lee: No, they aren't arsenal
Adrian: but winning with 88 minutes gone, an absolute heartbreaker
Lee: Ljungberg, now thats a heartbreaker
Alan: Gary, where did my life go wrong?
Gary: What do you mean? You've won god knows how many trophys during your career as a professional footballer, played for one of the most famous teams in the world, you co-present match of the day with me-
Alan: -Co-present? I carry this show. People would still watch match of the day if I was on it, even if there was no football on the program.
Gary: -err, ok. Whats the problem then?
Alan: Well I have this whacking great scar on my head which is visible to everyone. I wear mascara on live tele. I have to keep my tan topped up or else I'll look like you. And this morning, I discovered a grey hair.
Gary: Only just this morning?
Alan: Yeah... don't tell me you've seen it before?
Gary: .....no of course I haven't.
Alan: Phew.. got away with that one then. I should've got this cosmetic surgery y'know. I could've fixed my scar, my baggy eyes, my hair and my complexion.
Gary: Sounds to me like you need to wank or get off the internet.
Alan: I need to what?
Gary: You know. Like that phrase "shit or get off the pot" only more modern.
Alan: Hmm, you're right. You know what! I'm going to get cosmetic surgery!
Gary: Good but be careful. It could go wrong. Just take Garth Crooks as an example of surgery gone bad.
Alan: Garth has never had surgery...
Gary: He hasnt?
Alan: No. He couldn't afford it on the wages we pay him anyway.
Gary: Is he still sleeping in the office?
Alan: Yeah. Ever since his wife left him for another woman, he's been a broken man.
Gary: Still. It's fun to boss him about though, hey.
Alan: Not half.
Gary: today we have Alan Curbishley in the studio.
Gary: I'm afraid we're going to have to stop you there Curbs, since you came in ratings have plummeted. If we don't get rid of you we might get relegated to...BBBC2
Hansen: Hahahahahaha! Good one, Gary
Curbs: I can't take this anymore! *pulls out a gun and shoots himself*
Gary: Oh my god.
Hansen: That was your fault Gary.
Gary: Hello lads, ready for tonight's show?
Shearer: What's wrong Gary? You look a bit dodgy?
Gary: I got off my nut on Walker's crisps last night, when I woke up I was naked in a tescos surrounded by empty packets. Everything felt strangely different, like I was in a different dimension or parallel universe or something...
Shearer: One of these days you'll have to give up the Walkers.
Gary: Yeah I know, it's just...I need the buzz. Anyway, where's Alan?
Shearer: I'm here, Gary.
Gary: No, not you, I mean Alan Hansen.
Gary: Stop pissing around.
Garth Crooks: I remember an Alan Hansen, he died in a car crash in the 80s.
Shearer: Oh yeah him. Yeah, he's dead.
Shearer: What's wrong?
Gary: He can't be dead! Who's the obnoxious Scottish git who used to play for Liverpool and who now commentates on Match of the Day then?
Souness: Hullo lads.
Gary: Mother of God NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Gabby Logan: Hello and welcome to ITV Champions League.
Alan Hansen: psst, Gabby, this is BBC and we don't have the rights to show the Champions League
Gabby: Oh yeah? Get him, boys!
Terry Venables: Quick, hold him down Townsend, I'll put this bag over his head while you-
Gary: What the blazes?!
Matt Smith: Uh oh, rumbled!
Gabriel Clarke: Don't worry, I prepared for this. *waves his hand infront of Gary like a Jedi* Gary, you will leave this room and won't come back in again, ever.
Gary: You aren't a Jedi Gabriel!
Robbie Earl: You fool, Gabriel. I know the only way to distract Gary Linekar! Look over there, Gary. Theres some goal posts!
Gary: Oh no... *runs over to the goals and stands next to the post*. Dammit, you knew my only weakness was I'm a goal hanger!
Robbie: hahahhaha *clonk* ouch, what the fu- *clonk* urrggghhhh *passes out*
Matt: What the hell was th- *clonk* urrghh *passes out*
Townsend: Holy shit! Its G- *clonk* aarrrghghhhghg *passes out*
Garth Crooks: Thats right! Its Garth Crooks! Here to save the day! Just me and my trusty spade! *whacks Venables on the head with the spade*
Terry: aaaahhhhhh *passes out*
Gabby: SHIT! *runs away*
Alan: Garth, you saved us!
Garth: All in a days work, lads. All in a days work.
Alan: Thanks. No really, I don't know what we'd have done without you.
Garth: Don't mention it lads.
Alan: Alright I won't. Those grapes won't peel themselves. Get back to work you lazy gett
Garth: Yes sir!
Alan: What's all these rumours I hear about you leaving MOTD then Gary?
Gary: What rumours? What have you heard?
Alan: That you're leaving.
Gary: What? What? What?
Shearer: I heard about that as well.
Gary: Can't breathe...need...Walkers....
Lawro: He's hyperventilating! Quick, shove some Walker's down his throat!
Crooks: I've got some crisps here.
Alan: These are no good! These are Squares.
Shearer: They did get taken over by Walkers though.
Lawro: But will he accept them? We could be playing with his life here, can we take any chances?
Alan: Yes, yes we can. He's getting replaced anyway.
Crooks: *shoves Square crisps into Gary's gob*
Gary: Thanks for that lads, I had a bit of a funny turn there. Now what were we talking about?
Alan: You getting replaced as MOTD host.
Gary: Can't breathe...need...Walkers....
Gary: what tactics are you going to use then McLaren?
McLaren: Yes, that's right. *nods*
Gary: Answer the question!
McLaren: Yes, that's right. *nods*
Gary: What's wrong with you?
McLaren: Yes, that's right. *head falls off*
Shearer: Holy shit!
Alan: Look inside his neck..wires. He was a robot all along.
Gary: I don't understand.
Mysterious Stranger: Perhaps I can explain, Herr Lineker?
Gary: Who are you?
Sepp Blatter: I am Sepp Blatter, chief of FIFA.
Gary: What's going on, Sepp?
Sepp Blatter: You see. Herr Lineker, it all started back in '66. Us Deuschlanders could not cope with the defeat in the final. We resolved to stop England from ever winning at football again - by replacing all England managers with robots programmed to lose!
Gary: What. all of them?
Sepp Bletter: Jah, all of them. Except Graham Taylor.
Shearer: Typical Kraut cunning! You'll never get away with this Jerry!
Sepp Blatter: That's where you are wrong, Herr Shearer. Now that you know the secret, you must be replaced.
Gary: Come on lads, we can defeat him if we work together!
Alan: Best do as he says, Gary.
Sepp Blatter: Herr Hansen and I have a little arrangement you see.
Gary: No, Alan, not you as well?
Alan: I'm afraid so, Gary. You see, I'm Scottish, I just don't give a shit about the England team.
Sepp Blatter: Achtung! Your replacements are here. May I introduce Jurgen Klinsmann, Boris Becker, and Claudia Schiffer?
Shearer: You teutonic fiends! We'll beat you yet!
Sepp Blatter: I'm afraid not. From here, Herr Shearer and Herr Lineker, you will be taken to Colditz castle, never to commentate on a football match again.
Alan: So long, lads.
Sepp Blatter: For you gentlemen, zee war is over.
Gary: before we move on to the next game, lets have the goal of the month competition. As ever pick your favourite goal and see if you can match what our "experts" have chosen. Personally i think the best is goal I
Lawro: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllll always love youuuuuuuu. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always looooooooooove.....
Shearer: Nah its gotta be Goal E
Lawro: E's are Good, E's are Good. He's Ebeneezer Goode. E's are Good, E's are Good. He's Ebeneezer Goode
Hansen: umm no i think it was goal B
Lawro: B-B-B-Be Bop a Bodda Bop. Bop a Bodda Bop. Be Bop a Bodda Bop. Im the scatman.
Gary: Will you just shut up!! you're not Ray Stubbs you know.
Lawro: I bet i would have won fame acadamy.
Gary: shut up
Lawro: its not easy being me you know *sniff* you try sitting next to motty every other week. you know i got a nasty rash off his sheep skin coat the other week.
Gary: that wasnt a rash. Poor senile motty actually wore a real sheep and it bit you.
Gary: Welcome to MoTD. I'm joined today by my two best friends and long term colleagues. Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer. We're in for a ready salted feast of football today. Some cracking, clean, crisp strikes and plenty of mouthwatering goals. Perhaps even a ..prawn.. cocktail of the best the Premiership has to offer, all foil wrapped into one show. We start the day at the Walkers stadium, oh sorry, no we don't. Thats just me. Walkers on the brain. Just because they're so delicious. Our first game is at St James Park. Why don't you talk us through it Shearer while I eat my new 5% fat Walkers Lites.
Shearer: Thanks Gary. I actually went to this game today to watch Newcastle play and now I'm retired from playing I tried some of the half time pies. They were horrible. Not a patch on the McDonalds Hot Apple Pies. Now those are well worth the queue to get in. Incidently, did you know you can get salads from McDonalds now?
Gary: Why, no. Are they any good?
Shearer: Any good? They're a taste sensation, Gary. And they're good for you.
Gary: Amazing. Much like Walker crisps.
Shearer: But McDonalds still do all your favourite burgers! I'm lovin' it Gary.
Hansen: Woah woah woah whats gotten into you two? This is a show about football, dammit. Not crisps and big pounders or whatever they're called. You two are a disgrace to the BBC.
Gary: Sorry, Alan. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Shearer: Yeah calm down. What you need is a nice creamy McFlurry.
Hansen: Bugger off Shearer. I know what goes on out the back of McDonalds.
Shearer: You do?!
Hansen: Yes, I do!
Shearer: But nobody else knows!
Hansen: I saw it with my own two eyes. I was on my way home from the studio when I saw Garth Crooks walking down the other side of the street. Instinctively I just picked up a few rocks and started lobbing them at him. To try and get away, he ran down an alley which just happened to be behind a McDonalds. I chased him down there when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something. Something big. A shadowy figure. I looked closer and realised it was John Barnes! But he wasnae alone! There he was with none other than Ronald McDonald himself! He was wiping sesame seed buns on Barnsey. It was disgusting.
Gary: Ronald McDonald was wiping buns on John Barnes?
Hansen: I was astonished as you are Gary. So I stoped and asked him what he was doing. Apparantly, John Barnes eats so many pies that he excretes his very own unique sauce. McDonalds have been using this sauce in their burgers ever since this discovery.
Gary: I think I'm going to be sick...
Shearer: Oh that secret.. I thought you meant- urm errr nothing forget I said anything.
Hansen: Tell me Shearer or I swear to god I'll dock your wages so much that you'll have to get a part time job sweeping the car park at Netto's just to be able to afford to eat!
Shearer: I.. err... eerrrrr.... I didn't ... I mean, I shoudn't.. I just.. It happened so quickly!
Gary: What did?
Shearer: I took a dump in the McFlurry making machine.
Gary: Oh Jesus
Hansen: The plot thickens..
Shearer: That was the intention. McFlurrys were too runny and they thought some proper geordie shite would thicken it out.
Hansen: Oh.. my... god....
Shearer: But now thats all out the way. Do you want to introduce the highlights for the footy games, Gary. ..... Gary?
Hansen: He's not breathing! He's dead! You gave him a heart attack!
Shearer: I did? Oh no. Now we'll never see the highlights from the Newcastle game.
Hansen: Don't worry, I have a back up plan. *goes back stage and comes back out with Garth Crooks on a leash*
Shearer: You're going to get Garth Crooks to present MoTD?
Hansen: No. He's going to eat the body so theres no evidence.
Gary: Welcome to MoTD. We're running a very special interactive service today. By pressing the red button, you can vote on the best formation for the England team. The formation with the highest votes will be used in the game against Andorra.
Alan: Thats a bit dangerous isn't it?
Gary: Its dangerous and wicked bad, Alan.
Alan: No I mean that you're trusting a nation of idiots to pick the England team. And what does McClaren have to say about all this?
Gary: Well lets find out. We now go live to Barcelona where Steve McClaren will give us a full explanation as to why we're running this service. Won't you Steve.
McClaren: I won't do it.
Gary: Say it or you know what will happen!
McClaren: Its just not fair...
Gary: SAY IT, BITCH! Or else!!
McClaren: ......you can pick the team by voting via your interactive service because I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm doing and I talk out of my arse. I'm thick. I also masterbate every day to pictures of teeth that I stole from the dentists.
Gary: Thanks for that Steve.
McClaren: Thats Mr McClaren to you!
Gary: You've over stepped the line now STEVE! Get him Wrighty.
*camera cuts to training camp in Barcelona*
Wrighty: Hahahahaha *punches McClaren with a sovereign ring on* take that you fucking moron.
McClaren: no, please, I didn't mean it..
Wrighty: *punches him again* thats for not playing Shaun! What position does Shaun play McClaren?!
McClaren: Err erm urrrr left back?
Wrighty: You just don't have a clue do you?! *punches him again*
*camera cuts back to studio*
Gary: So get voting because this prick sure as hell aint going to pick the team again.
Gary: So here we are in the studio, after all five home nations were in action against European opposition in European qualifiers. And here to represent each nation we have the pundits, ready to cast their eye over todays games. For England we have Lee Dixon.
Lee: I love Arsenal.
Gary: For Scotland we have Alan Hansen.
Alan: You'll have to defend better than that Gary, that was a telegraph link if ever there was one. I KNEW you were going to introduce me the moment your body language flicked towards me. Shocking play. Shocking.
Gary: Riiiight. For Wales we have Mark Hughes.
Mark: *waves like a madman* I'm on TV! In a chair!
Gary: For Northern Ireland we have Lawrie Sanchez, who's flown over from Belfast especially for the show so thank you Lawrie.
Lawrie: Pleasure. I'm a happy person.
Gary: And for the Republic of Ireland we have Roy Keane
Gary: Thank you Roy, not yet. Down boy. So, Lee, a good win for England?
Lee: Oh undoubtably! I think the way the players came back from a shocking first half display was a great sign of their intent and i really don't see any reason why they can't go on all the way now and win the title in Austria nedt year. Probably against Germany in the final. On penalties.
Gary: You may laugh Mark, but I think Lee has a point...
Lee: And i totally believe that the spirit in the camp is such that, after Gerrard's amazing goals, ther should be no reason why he shouldn't be named the new captain. After all, Terry will probably get injured again.
Alan: But he's your best defender!
Mark: *laughs harder*
Lee: Anyway, the point is; the team worked well...
Mark: *falls off his chair*
Lee: ... the manager got the team and the fans working together...
Mark: *swallows tongue*
Lee: ... and I really think they're on a roll now England and they're looking like the best team in the world. They should win everything easily now having got through this tought test.
Mark: *develops a hernia*
Gary: Thanks Lee. Well, lets no forget the other less important countries were in action as well. So Alan, did Scotland win in Bari?
Alan: Well, no they lost 2-0 but on the whole, apart from two good plays from the Italians the Scots dominated the play, had a lot of possession, and had Kris Boyd been on from the outset might have got a result.
Gary: But they lost?
Gary: To Italy?
Alan: ... yeeeees.
Gary: Welll thats a waste of time then! Fancy losing to a side like Italy, who should've been a pushover for you!
Alan: Now hang on a minute, England went in at half time with a 0-0 scoreline and frankly...
Gary: Well anyway, now we've heard how good England were, back to their old ways, I believe thats all we have time for.
Gary: ummm. *checks schedule* yep. Thats alll the important stuff over and done with.
Roy: Oh that takes the... I'm gonna hurt you Gary!
Gary: So we say thanks to Lee.
Lee: I love England.
Alan: Sod off.
Mark: *no response*
Lawrie: Pleasure. I'm a happy person.
Gary: And Roy....
Roy: GRRRR! *stands up menacingly*
Gary: So we just leave you with one last point to think about, Lee, after that fine fine performance would you say McLaren's job is safe now?
Lee: What? That fool? No way he doesn't know what he's doing. Man's an idiot.
Roy: *punches Gary*
Roy: *looks at Lee, thinks about it, punches him anyway*
Gary: Hello and welcome to MoTD. Today we're joined by some very special guests. We have Andy Gray with us, representing Sky Sports. Also we're welcomming Andy Townsend from ITV. We also have our regular Alans. Hello to you all.
Gray: Your first name is like my second name just spelt wrong.
Townsend: Yeah but your first name is a copy of mine.
Hansen: I know how you feel, Andy. Alan here did the same to me.
Shearer: Which Andy was you talking to.
Hansen: Andy Gary.
Gary: I didn't ask you, Alan did.
Hansen: No I meant Andy Gray.
Gray: I am so much better than you lot.
Shearer: Yeah right.
Gary: Alans right Andy.
Townsend: Hm? Sorry? I wasn't paying attention..?
Hansen: I didn't say anything.
Shearer: No I did.
Gray: Or did Gray say something?
Gary: No you're Gray, I'm Gary.
Gray: Get a load of this guy. He's all over the place. He doesn't know what hes doing.
Hansen: Are we commenting on the highlights now or was that a reference to Gary, Andy?
Townsend: What? I'm confused. I need a lie down.
Shearer: I don't think this is working Alan.
Shearer: I know Alan.
Shearer: Well don't tell me, tell them.
Hansen: Are you talking to yourself Alan?
Shearer: I was t-
Hansen: -no Alan. Alan was talking to himself, not you. You gorgeous hunk of man you.
Hansen: Thats alright then.
Gary: I think we best scrap this idea.
Gray: You're useless. You had promise but you're disappointing. Nobody likes you.
Gary: Are you talking to yourself again?
Gray: Get a life, Gray. I mean Gary! Dammit!
On 11th June a team of sports presenters disappeared while investigating a local legend in some woods somewhere. This is their story.
THE BARNES WITCH PROJECT
Day 1: The team arrive
Alan Hansen: What we doing here Gary?
Gary Lineker: The BBC got sick of us hanging round in the studio what with the season finishing and all that. They said we had to go and present something.
Shearer: So why are we in this wood?
Gary Lineker: Well, legend has it John Barnes haunts these woods, endlessly searching for pies. The locals say you can hear his ghostly rapping late at night. We're making a documentary about it. A bit like Most Haunted.
John Motson: So it's a very serious business then?
Gary Linker: Yes, a very serious business indeed.
John Motson: I see.
Day 2: Gary faces a leadership challenge
Alan Hansen: You're a shit leader Gary, I'm taking over.
Gary Lineker: OK Alan.
Day 3: Wrighty gets it
Gary Lineker: Anybody fancy a packet of crisps?
Alan Hansen: Sod off Gary, why didn't you bring normal food? We've been eating crisps for 3 days now. And they're all Ready Salted flavour.
Gary Lineker: Where's Wrighty? He'll have some.
Shearer: He's in the bushes. Your crisps have given him the shits.
Garth Crooks: Can you hear that lads? Sounds like rapping.
Gary Lineker: It's the Barnes witch. Quick, gather round the camp fire!
Shearer: What about Wrighty? He's still in the bushes.
Wrighty (in the bushes): Who's there? That better not be you Garth, I know you want to see my arse... no Barnsey, not you! Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Day 4: Shearer goes a bit funny
Motson: Now that we're alone Alan, I don't mind saying I think this documentary is becoming a farce.
Shearer: It's a beautiful day
Motson: I'm sure it is Alan.
Shearer: Don't let it get away, It's a beautiful day
Motson: I'm not sure I understand
Shearer: Touch me
Motson: I don't want to touch you Alan.
Shearer: Take me to that other place
Motson: You're not well Alan. I think it might be the crisps.
Shearer:Teach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case
Motson: No, get back!
Day 5: The final day
Alan Hansen: Shearer and Motty have disappeared, and let me tell you Gary, that pool of blood doesn't look good.
Garth Crooks: Cheer up lads, I'm still alive.
Alan Hansen: Your leadership has been absolutely diabolical, Gary.
Gary Lineker: I thought you were in charge, Alan?
Alan Hansen: Shut up and phone the BBC to get us out of here!
Gary Lineker: They don't know we're here, I made that up. It was my idea.
Alan Hansen: What?
Gary Lineker: I wanted to be a serious TV presenter, I'm sick of talking about football all the time.
Garth Crooks: I can hear the rapping again!
Gary Lineker: It's Barnsey coming to finish us off! Quick, put the fire out, then he won't find us.
Alan Hansen: He's still coming, I think he can still see us.
Garth Crooks: It's your face Alan, it glows in the dark!
Gary Lineker: Stick a sleeping bag over his head!
Alan Hansen: It's too late lads, we're done for. I'd just like to say, I hate you both.
By the time I'd gotten to that last one, I had tears in my eyes. I could barely stifle my laughs... Rev, you are a genius. A real life genius.